Blog

A myriad of different posts: featured attendees, titillating guest additions, Haiku Fridays, Wig Wednesdays, important information updates, and organic posts meant to make our lives just a touch more interesting. 

Guest Post: Selected guests will touch us from time to time, in whatever way he or she sees fit. We don't say no. We only say yes. And we take it. Period. Full Stop.  

Spotlight: This post features a highly anticipated attendee of Art Party 2014.  September 27th will be a night of people, not just art; and the featured attendees are the epitome of everything this Event represents. The force of these individuals will make your mouth water and your intellectual loins quiver in anticipation. We will strip down each guest (physically or metaphorically) and hand feed you their unique, decedent aura.

Wig Wednesdays: Art Party will quench its thirst for exhibitionism and its fascination with wigs by featuring a guest wearing the transformative accessory.  Are you thirsty?  Child please, I know you are.

Haiku Fridays: A throwback for some of you.  A virginal experience for others. Make your kireji strong, your kigo relevant, your morae structured and make Masaoka Shiki proud. Read Haikus from attendees and contributors.    

Wig Wednesday / Spotlight: Queeny

LiLi (Attendee and Contributor) 

LiLi (Attendee and Contributor) 

In case you didn’t notice, we’ve made a definitive decision to bring sexy back to this blog.  What better way to do so than to spank you in the face with the one and only Queen of Art Party (AKA: Dixie Exacto, AKA: Lefty Tornado, AKA: Dr. Dina Mango, AKA: Roxy Nightshade, AKA: Scruffy Soapstone).  As a ticket holder, participant, resident muse and supportive enthusiast to the core, this brown goddess is, as much as anyone else, responsible for supporting the foundation for all that is Art Party and for all it will inevitably become.

To give you a sense of this total-package femme fatale, we decided to solicit some quotes from folks who know her well:

"It’s incredibly rare to meet a woman who checks so many essential boxes and especially one who is so dangerously close to the perfect ‘Hot vs. Crazy’ quotient it warrants us to beg the question, “Could she be a tranny?"
-Nelson Mandela (Former President of South Africa and friend)
 
"This woman has in spades what we all wish we had: sexiness without awareness of it, patience without effort, utter realness without intemperance, and the skin tone without the priors."
-Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones (musician)
 
"LiLi is so full of life she can’t help but enhance the life of those around her."
-Wilson W. Wilson Jr. (neighbor)
 
"You know what we always say... her congeniality has the stubborn infectiousness of the Ebola virus and the authenticity of a Maury Povich paternity test." 
-Dr. Laura Smith (personal gynecologist)

Just as I have, you’re certain to find inspiration in this Renaissance woman who, out of intellectual thirst and fear of leading an uninteresting life, takes up new endeavors on a continual basis. And she does so in a headstrong fashion with a style all her own.  Spontaneous travel, sewing, gardening, teaching, translating, real estate investing, wood cutting and burlesque are just a few of her projects of late.  Her most recent achievement / hobby has been horse whispering.  She managed to break a wild Lebanese stallion on her first attempt which, according to enthusiasts in that trade industry, is a very difficult and precarious task.  

Stendhal Syndrome

K. Kennedy (Attendee) 

Correspondence from our most recent ticket holder... 

"Beeb,
How auspicious - I had the most lovely dream last night.  There were bathtubs of champagne, a beautiful male model who kept insisting on bedazzling people's bodies with fruit, and dazzling, horrifying art.  I could barely wake up and tear myself away (see: Stendhal syndrome). 
You all were there.  Aunty Em and Toto too. 
So don't fear my friend; all your treacherous work will pay off.  And we NYC ladies will be there to bear witness. "

Marie-Henri Beyle (AKA: Stendhal) 

Stendhal Syndrome is a psychosomatic disorder that causes rapid heartbeat, dizziness, fainting, confusion and even hallucinations when an individual is exposed to an experience of great personal significance, particularly viewing art or confronted with immense beauty in the natural world. 

A quote from Stendhal about K. Kennedy:

"I love her beauty, but I fear her mind" - Stendhal 

Wig Wednesday: Just Jim

Just Jim (Attendee) 

Jim likes dinosaurs. Jim sometimes pretends like he’s a sexy kitty cat to cheer himself up.  Jim suffers from Locomotive Disfectia Erectus: a congenital affectation defined by uncontrollable and spontaneous erections brought on by choo-choo trains.  Jim respects eagles, lions, and sharks.  Wolves are total weak bitches according to Jim.  Jim confuses 3rd base with 2nd base more times than not.  Jim expends a great deal of energy making sure people feel good about themselves and are included in the group. Whenever Jim sees a sleeping child he wakes them up and immediately tells them a lie like: “You were the reason for your parents’ divorce”.  Jim is witty and smart. Jim just doesn’t ‘get’ prophylactics.  He compares condoms to wearing socks in the shower.  Jim is always an honest friend who is there when you need him.  Jim is racist.  But only against people who aren’t fun. And poors. Jim is pretty chill. Jim’s penis has been referenced as ‘wieldy yet handsome’. Or was it "unwieldy yet cute'?  Jim has strong feelings on the issue of women’s suffrage. Jim was a well-liked high school Disc Jockey.  Jim still stands by his claim that he would not perform a sex act on another man to prevent 9/11.  Jim is a wiz at Real Estate.  Jim agrees with Heraldo Rivera that a woman’s best attribute is her youth. He ‘understands’ Vladimir Putin.  Jim is a good guy.  

Attendees in the News:

The Real W. Hellams (Attendee)

As reported by News Channel 8's Arch Campbell, Bethesda resident, William Hellams, was caught in the area's most recent Sharknado while on his way to return some video tapes.  "Be careful outside today, dudes.  Watch out for Sharknados", said Hellams.  When asked about his physical and mental state after such a horrendously frightening experience he responded "I'm alive.... barely.  I tell you what, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or like a tornado full of ferocious sharks".      

Our readers might recall our first 'Spotlight' post, Ben Long, of West Virginia.  Recently, we caught wind of the terrible news that, due to a TED talk invitation, Mr. Long might have a conflicting appointment the same weekend as Art Party.  Mr. Long assuaged our fears by assuring us he will indeed be able to make Art Party AND provide said TED talk on 'Education in Travel', albeit the same weekend.  Our fears of his absence reemerged however, after seeing this recent news report about a fun couple in W.V. who sound eerily similar to Mr. Long and his date, Savannah. 

Biz Bone (Attendee)

Art Party attendee and budding thespian, Bizzy Fain, has recently made the short list to play a young Barkhad Abdi in Columbia Pictures’ upcoming prequel to “Captain Phillips”.  When asked about this positive step toward her dream to star in the first ever Somali bildungsroman, the method actress forcefully responded “LOOK AT ME.  Look at me.  I am the captain now”, then stared vacantly into the distance.  She responded in similar fashion to the 6 follow-on questions from our investigative reporters.  

B. Wood (Attendee and misunderstood) 

Our very own B-Wood has once again been publicly acknowledged for his philanthropic outreach to children.  Read more about Mr. Wood's attempt at charitable beneficence here: http://www.newstalk650.com/story/man-attempts-lure-kids-candy/399527

Uncle Joe: Ode to a King

Joe Habeeb (A man. A legend)

We wanted to give all the readers and especially our recent ticket holders a slice of inspiration and a little 'thank-you'.  Hopefully, this man will bring you just a portion of the joy he has brought us over the years. 

As told by Andrew Habeeb:

Who is this man that appears to be as comfortable sitting on a tipped over garbage can as he would a leisure recliner? Is he unaware of himself or completely self-confident? Has he no concept of decorum or is that something he instinctively knows is for the swells with which to concern themselves at their cocktail parties and clam bakes? Why am I asking so many questions? Is it snack time yet?
I suppose an introduction is in order....this man calls himself many things but is universally known as: "Uncle Joe."
He is all the things most of us wish we could only sometimes be.... to tell a perfect stranger that "ya know, you really do it for me and I wanted to say thanks. So, nice tits." Or to make it very clear to a person of influence that he finds his company boring and tedious. How liberating!  Plus, he is forever comfortable as he never wears underwear or sleeves. Yet, he is beloved.
He is a genius with no titles, rich with no assets, and is truly caring, despite not having a care in the world.
P.S. Oh Ms. Onion, I think you and Uncle Joe will make fast friends.

Two truths and a lie: Uncle Joe style

  1. Uncle Joe faked college for 3 years while citing a 'soccer scholarship' and U.S.P.S. incompetency as covers. 
  2. Uncle Joe boldly sports a tattoo that says "Glory or Death".
  3. In 1974 at the Kentucky Derby, Uncle Joe shed his jean shorts (recall above: he does not wear underwear) and climbed to the top of the in-field flag pole so that the Queen of England (she was an honored guest that year) could get a 'nice view' from atop her perch in the official box.   

Haiku Friday: True to Theme

It's Gina you want??

Well why didn't you say so?

Grow a Fumanchu.

-W. Speicher 

W. Speicher (Attendee). G. VonSpeicher (Attendee)

All know VonSpeicher.

She's a Sucker for stache hair.

Almost too easy.

-W. Speicher

 

Featured Art Party Haiku: 

Big-ticket events:

Super Bowl? World Cup? Bieber?

Shiiiiiiiiiyyyyyeeeeeeet. Art Party, bitch.

-C. Gorgeous

C. Gorgeous (Resident Haiku Expert and Attendee)

Tickets on Sale Tomorrow

Open ticket sales begin early tomorrow morning.  

Your ticket

Art Party by the Numbers:

  • 871 active users
  • 5,621 page views
  • U.S. leads followed by 
    • South Korea
    • New Zealand
    • Australia 
    • U.K.
    • Japan
    • Spain
    • France
    • Bermuda
    • Germany
  • 4 NSFW complaints
  • 27 questions about dress code
  • 717 sessions on mobile devices
    • 682 on desktops
    • 38 on tablets

Wig Wednesday: Switchin' it Up

Ron's Beard:

Ronnie P (Attendee).  A dear friend of Art Party 2014 since 1998, animal lover since 1985, member of the Beard and Mustache Club of N.C. since 2009, and an all around great guy since the day he was conceived.   

Danni's Beard: 

Danni (Attendee). If a picture is worth 1,000 words, I'm betting two of those words in this one are "Hot Damn". We can't wait to see her in action at the Party and can't wait for all of you to become fast friends with my dear dear friend, Danni.      

Lee Greenwood's Beard: 

Lee Greenwood (Not an Attendee).  Mr. Greenwood is the only non-attendee to date that has been deserved enough to make a Wig Wednesday or Spotlight Post.  Thanks, Lee.  You're the best.  

 

 

Kimble's Beard: 

Kimbro (Attendee and Contributor).  This man always keeps us entertained and always keeps us guessing ;). We all love you, my friend.  

Spotlight: Special K

K-Rags. Attendee

Someone once told me you never really know a person until you've held his schmeckel while he pees.  I say you never really know someone until you've urinated together in Lafayette Park while wearing a wig and your super fav leotard.  Well it's safe to say I know this particular attendee very well. Enough to know you'll have a far better time if she's in the room than if she isn't: Gar-On-Teed.  Today's featured guest is a shoe-in for Spotlight as she exemplifies all that we look for in a friend, host, confidant and party companion.  Here's a list of some little known facts from close friends and lover:

  • The Athlete: A varsity discus and shot-put thrower in high school.
  • The Humanitarian: With a close childhood friend, she once bought pet guinea pigs named Oscar and Benji (named after ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ dancers).  After caring for them for 24 long hours, they decided it was just too much work so K-Rags and said friend took them back to Petsmart, quietly left them on a shelf and walked out.  After further inquiry, Art Party 2014 determined the duo at least put them on a low shelf hoping they wouldn't fall off?
  • The Minimalist: Her beachouse has a whole closet full of muumuus, which, as the night gets later, she often wears around the house - channeling grandmothers everywhere.
  • The Culturist: When she first moved to DC, she lived next to a bar frequented by Ethiopian cab drivers, where her and her roommate obviously became regulars. She was also quite the artist and dancer in High School (don't worry K., I peaked there too).
  • The Hillbilly: When K-Rags was a child, she lived in Jamestown, NC. One her favorite activities was playing in the creek, catching minnows and tadpoles, and generally just getting dirty (and not in the Art Party way).  She also once drove a red convertible (like as her car, not just for a one time thing) and owned a hermit crab for 4 years.  His name was Rudy.
  • The Worker Bee: Bet you didn't know she worked as a barback in Adams Morgan.  Bet you also didn't know that for a brief period in '09 she ran a lucrative brothel named "Quivering Hills" that catered to BBW and Food Crush fetishes while also becoming a market leader in compassionate human trafficking.
  • Redaction: Art Party has recently learned that last little known fact might not be entirely accurate.
  • Misc: She once asked when Christmas was this year, like she thought that it was the third Thursday in December or something. 
  • Redaction: Point in Fact, Art Party has learned the lucrative brothel was not officially named "Quivering Hills". Due to trademark issues, K-Rags went with "The Very Jolly Roger".

Likes: French bulldogs (especially ones named Pete), French culture, theme parties, crop tops, ice cream, turning down for what, dark foreign men, Food Crushing, multi-colored writing utensils, America.

Haiku Friday: Rewind

A bit wild... and strange!

Making a home on the range.

Ernst is a buzzkill.

 

Ah, such a fine dream

Brad and Melody threesome;

Danny looking on.

-C. Gorgeous (Attendee)

 

Hey Dude reference, 

Certainly not lost on me...

A shared fantasy. 

-W. Speicher (Attendee)

Lucy, Buddy, Ben, Danny, Ted, Brad, Melody 


Spotlight: Little Ms. Onion

Ms. Onion.  Attendee

Open your mouth wide and get ready for a heaping spoonful of drop dead sexy in this week’s Spotlight Posting.  What makes this guest such a cool drink of water is not just her legs on legs on legs or her Monte Carlo curves; not just her confidence to embrace the essence of Art Party by contributing her personal flavor to the pot through her one and only public photo posting…… it’s her layers.

This little onion is an unexpectedly dynamic individual made up of delightfully interesting slices; each with their own substance and depth.  When she first hits your lips you encounter a fun-loving professional woman. You work your way through and become increasing underwhelmed with your own ingredients when you find her impressive pedigree includes being a published author, professional speaker and educator, serial entrepreneur, and much more. Then somehow, through her unpretentiousness and genuine nature, she’ll inevitably topsy-turvy everything by making you feel like the most interesting person in the room.

This fearless dish is certified to orchestrate an official State dinner, looks great in pearls and could name you the last 3 winners of the SEC Championship without blinking an eye (not kidding).  She’s taken more leaps than I can count and can run with the boys while gracefully remaining 100% Grade-A, Woman.  To know this fine woman is to be proud of her.  With her plane ticket already in hand, we’re just giddy to have you meet our little Southern pop-tart. 

Haiku Friday: Rub-a-dub-dub

Underwater Jets

Bath Salts and Scented Candles

Your bathtub or mine?

-G. VonSpeicher (circa 2009)

 

Whilst in the BathTub, 

All follow The Great Beeb's lead

Below the bubbles

-M. McInnis (circa 2009)

G. VonSpeicher (Expected Attendee).  Matty Cakes (Attendee)

And this one...

I can't decide what

makes me feel stronger feelings

Beeb or Jeter spot

-M. McInnis (Attendee)